Responsibity

I have been living in my head, having conversations with this blog, thinking about writing and posting but not writing and posting.  As a result more topics fill my brain, some to be lost forever, some, perhaps, to reappear unbidden, or bidden, in the future.
Responsibility?  Whose is it? for what? is it ever over? once assumed, can we abandon our responsibility? Specifically, can parents rightfully desert their responsibility to house, care for, and love their children? Can a spouse relinquish responsibility for a spouse?  Of course, you would say, that's what divorce is all about.  But what about responsibility for a spouse you are still married to, one you even love?  What does this mean then to no longer be responsible for another?  Can you divide up the responsibilities and retain some while giving up others?
Case in point.  My spouse, whom I love and have no intention of divorcing or even leaving, has frequently chosen to be angry and in his anger, chooses to blame me as the cause of his anger.  I also made a choice.  I made a choice not to be angry.  Okay, understandable.  But I also made a choice to be happy.  Again, okay.  Then I made the choice not to be responsible for either his anger, or for his happiness.  And that was  a sea change.
Just that declaration, I am not responsible for your happiness, that is your personal responsibility, has the potential to change our lives.  And, change them for the better.  Because in truth, we are each responsible for our own happiness, for our own reaction to others, to the world at large.  We can be dismayed over world events, saddened by external issues, or even personal health issues, and in spite of all we can still choose to be happy within ourselves.
I have had many teachers along the way, but I haven't been open to declaring my freedom from the responsibility of making and keeping my spouse happy.  The Dalai Lama wrote in his book, The Art of Happiness, that we are each responsible first for our own happiness.  That this objective in life was God given, necessary, and right.  That to seek one's personal happiness, providing we did so without intentionally causing others' unhappiness, was the path we should follow.  Note the word "intentionally".  If I take an action that leads to my happiness, but another person becomes unhappy because of my choice, that is not my responsibility.  Each is responsible for one's own happiness.
Psychologist David Viscott, sadly deceased by his own hand, taught me that we have little control.  We can control what we do, what we say, and how we react to others' actions and words, and not much else.  Thus, we can't control another's happiness, only our own.
The third teacher was Alanon, sessions I attended trying to understand, and I admit, control, my then spouse's addiction to alcohol.  I learned that I am neither the cause of the addiction, nor will I be the cure.  Each must make that decision, sometimes every day, of how to be happy, how to live without giving into the addiction.
Today, always subject to change, I stand responsible for my own happiness.  I can't blame anyone else if I am not doing that which makes me happy.  I do struggle a bit with equating seeking my own happiness with being selfish, because I have learned that selfish is a bad word.  Nevertheless, to all the people I love, I am not responsible for your happiness.  I trust you will each find your own way.
Adrienne 7/22/2014

The Introvert--Quiet--Entitled to be yourself

Roxanne left a few days ago after a short, but intense, visit.  We finally got to talk to one another, and to listen.  Among other things she revealed her therapists description of Roxanne as an introvert, one whose batteries recharge by going within, finding quiet time and space.  Coincidentally, in passing the book aisles at CostCo I saw the title, Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, by Susan Cain.  In defining the Introvert, we must not equate introvert with hermit, not the same thing.  An introvert "may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas….They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation…Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions."  Where do I fit, probably closer to the introvert than the extrovert, but not 100% in this category, maybe a 45-55 split between the two.

So why is this so important?  Because our society is now pushing everyone toward being an extrovert.  In school we push team work, group work, sitting in pods, no walls between desks, but not everyone operates that way.  Those who don't are left out, set aside, devalued.  Yet, check out the major inventors and thinkers and you'll find introverts.

Why is this important for me?  Because I'm seeking the message about learning to be myself, learning first who myself is.  For a woman who has been a pleaser of parent, husbands, children, society, I'm taking the time to discover and honor me.

Intro to the final quarter

In March of this year I reached another milestone, 70 years of age.  Leading up to and since the 14th of March I have been searching for a venue to search my thoughts, to share with those who may be interested, and in some ways, to leave something behind that is more permanent than my body.  There have been only a few times when a birthday, the anniversary of a birthdate, has been meaningful and therefore memorable.  70 is one of them.  It represents the beginning of a final act, the reaping of 70 years of sowing, a growing wiser (hopefully), and a renewed commitment to not wasting any of the precious time I may have left to me.
In this last bit of time I've noticed many changes, physical, emotional, psychological, in wisdom, the need or reduction of need to be in control, and a significant reduction in my tolerance for B.S.-even my own.
In this past year I've been asked to collaborate on two different books, while although flattering, they are the passions of others, not my own.  So what is mine I've been asking.  What do I want to accomplish, to be, to present, to experience in this last quarter (give or take a few years either way)?  That's what this blog will be about, exploring myself, my world, the commonalities we share with others.  Perhaps lending some insight to those who follow behind me, gaining insight from those who came before.  I'm most comfortable in exploring in writing, but the written journal no longer seems efficient.  Writing in longhand is more challenging, and slower; difficult to read my writing.  This electronic journal, although somewhat public, is easy to access from anywhere, and unless publicly announced, is relatively private.  Will anyone even be interested, I'm not sure.  I'm writing at this time for me, for remembering, for understanding.